Seeing Jack
by TerryJ
Summary: Over the years Sarah had occasion to run into Jack and reflect on the development going on in his life. ***It is from Sarah's point of view but it is not about Sarah and Jack as a couple...it's about Jack and members of SG-1
1. The First Time

A/n This tries to stick to canon as far as relationships go…so hints are in the right direction but there is nothing overt with anyone. I do know all the dates don't line up properly but I am doing this from memory. I don't have the dvds for the show at all. There will be spoilers from all seasons 1-9. I don't own anything, reviews of all kinds are appreciated. Hope you enjoy.

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The first time I saw Jack again was at the courthouse, signing our divorce papers. Honestly I think I was surprised I saw him again at all. After he left- when Charlie died- I never thought I'd see him again. When our son died my husband died too. The smiling, loving, joking, Simpsons-loving, star-gazing Jack O'Neill disappeared and a silent ghost stood in his place.

I had known he sat with that gun for hours during those first few days and I knew he was dangerously close to the edge but I was in no place to help him; we were both drowning, unable to see how we could help each other.

Then the Air Force came calling with another mission he wouldn't be able to talk about. He was eager to leave and that's when I became sure he wasn't planning on coming back. He was too stubborn to admit defeat and take his own life but he would readily give it up for duty and country.

I knew in my heart he'd be returning in a casket and the military would declare him a brave hero.

I thought he was a coward.

The day he left I felt like the walls were closing in so I left too. I went to my sister's house in Texas. On the off chance that Jack were to return I left a note on the counter saying I couldn't live like that any more.

I was shocked when I came back a month later to find Jack's clothes gone and a short note with the number of a hotel room scrawled in familiar print. A large part of me was truly happy he came back alive and I began to doubt moving forward with the divorce but then he sent a legal note to the lawyers supporting any of my requests and not asking for anything for himself. He was so complacent I assumed he had crawled back into depression.

Iknew I had been wrong when I saw him that day at the court house. We didn't speak much and he certainly did not smile or joke like I remembered but there was still something different, he was no longer depressed. His hair was cut clean, he looked as if he had been returning to the gym and there was life in his eyes again.

When we said goodbye the myriad of emotions that he allowed to play across his face tempted me to run back inside and tear up the documents we had just signed. I restrained myself and watched him jog down the court house steps and head down the street; it was evident that he wasn't the same but something told me that he had found something to believe in again and now I had to do the same.


	2. The Second Time

The second time I saw Jack it wasn't really Jack, it was something very different.

He had come back to the house, talked about Charlie if he was only just realizing what had happened almost two years ago. I was worried that he was suffering some kind of mental break down but I truly feared for his life when he started having electric tremors.

It got worse after I had rushed him to the hospital. I hadn't expected to be as shaken as I was; we may not have been close lately but I had barely survived Charlie's death, I realized I couldn't deal with losing Jack so soon.

But then HE arrived – as if part of a dream- he was in uniform, barking out orders, confident and strong. In that moment I briefly wondered how I could have believed that _thing _had been Jack.

Jack, the REAL Jack, stopped briefly, eagerly asking if I was alright but I urged him to go down the hall because I didn't know what else to say and I knew that he was the only one who could fix what ever was going on.

A short time later I assumed I was hallucinating; there was Jack, walking down the hall, hand in hand with Charlie.

The image of Jack and Charlie walking together was so familiar and comforting that I questioned my own reality. I didn't know what to say or think, the only thing I knew was that when Jack and I embraced before he left it was so safe and right feeling that I didn't want him to leave.

But just as I knew that Charlie wasn't my Charlie I knew this wasn't my Jack - not like the thing that had looked like Jack earlier in the day - I knew this man was Jack O'Neill but I just knew he wasn't MY Jack. I watched him as he left with his team and felt like I was really saying good-bye.

The next day I sat on Charlie's bed, wanting to say something that would help explain my emotions over the last 24 hours but I found myself at a loss for words. Dad had left for the weekend and I was feeling more alone than ever before when then the doorbell rang.

I opened the door to reveal an Air Force Lieutenant and a casually dressed Jack.

"Hi Sara" He shuffled and took off his sunglasses. His eyes darted from my face to the hallway behind me. He seemed so uncomfortable that it was hard to believe that this was the same man who led a rescue team last night. The thought made me pause from inviting him in.

"How do I know you're you?"

"Sara..." He sighed and rubbed a hand on the back of his neck. I just crossed my arms and raised my eyebrows, waiting.

"Look, Sara, that's what I came to talk about. Can I come in please?" I paused as if I were actually considering not letting him in to the house. The truth was I was working hard keeping myself from launching myself into his arms and resuming the embrace we broke off the night before. I nodded and left the door open as I walked back to the kitchen.

"Uh, that's a good then?" I heard my husband, EX-husband, ask hesitantly. When I didn't reply I heard him step forward and quietly but firmly order, "Airman, this is where you stop."

"Sir?" The young man questioned.

"Don't. Come. In. The. House. Go for a drive or something. Just don't come in." Jack's words weren't cruel but they were laced with a serious insitance.

"I'm sorry sir but my orders are to..."

"To what, Airman? Eavesdrop on a conversation between a Colonel and his ex-wife? Between grieving parents? If I'm correct, your ORDERS, were to come with me. This you have done. I'm not going anywhere. Now shoo."

I almost felt bad for the young man as he sat there stammering as Jack slowly shut the door in his face.

I watched as Jack peered out the door window then took a deep breath before turning around and coming to join me in the kitchen.

"Why are you here Jack?" I asked in a hopefully casual tone. He looked at me as if he were puzzled at my inquiry.

"Umm, well...yesterday with the, you know. Me...and you know...with...the...I mean...Charlie...don't you?...aren't you?...I just thought..."

"They already talked to us all about that. Said there was a chemical thing, hallucinations and all that. We signed non-disclosure forms and everything."

If it was at all possible Jack seemed even more uncomfortable while I spoke.

"And you buy that?" He asked patiently.

I was not feeling so patient.

"What am I supposed to think Jack?" I nearly shouted in exasperation. "I know it must be a cover story for something but what other explanation is there for seeing two of you? And Charlie?! Jack, really."

"Aliens...?" He shrugged his shoulders and smirked.

The light, almost pleading way that he offered his explanation reminded me of him in a way I had nearly forgotten. I smiled and sighed, ready to ask him to move on until his smile faded and he took on a decidedly more serious expression.

"Jack? What-"

"Look, Sara, I know that that...me, well not me...whatever. I know that yesterday you must have had some conversations. You need to know that...whatever I or He or whatever- whatever was said, is from me, it did know exactly what it is I feel...He was just able to tell you what I'm not strong enough to say myself. I do hate that and I'm sorry. At the very least I feel like I do owe you an explanation of what happened yesterday."

His eyes were open and sad, but he was him and wanting to talk but saying he can't at the same time. It was typical Jack O'Neill. I was tempted to be frustrated but I found myself unable to be angry and his words did intrigue me. Yesterday felt too real to have been a hallucination and I did want to know but at the same time I worried for him.

"Jack, I'd love to hear about some crazy experiment the military is doing which makes clones or something but I don't want you to get in trouble for sharing classified information."

He looked at me with a small smile and sighed deeply.

"Sometimes I have to weigh personal risk against...other stuff... This is one of those times."

He was too serious to be joking but there was a hint of humor to his statement.

"Okay Jack, fine. If you want to tell me, go ahead. I'm listening."

He smirked and sat back.

"Aliens." This time he said it with strong confidence. His smile was smug and his arms swept wide.

"Jack, seriously."

"No, really."

His face again turned stonily serious and was so insistent I realized it was one of those times I should shut up and listen.

"Yeah...I'm serious. I'm not going to tell you everything because I'm already treading on dangerous ground but I'll tell you this much. We've acquired technology which allows us to travel to other plants and communicate with alien life forms..."

He was being serious.

Jack was being serious about aliens.

I had no reason not to trust him implicitly so I sat back in stunned silence, waiting for him to continue talking.

"Yeah. Ahem. So that's what I've been up to since, well, since last we talked. The other day an Alien came back disguised as me after reading my mind. He can take any form he wants and he thought he was helping me by...y'know...coming here."

He looked at me awkwardly before continuing his story, eyes focused on his fingers.

"He couldn't really survive in our atmosphere so he began to break down in to energy. Kind of like radiation. So that's why he was here, and what was going on with...it."

I shook my head in an effort to try and clarify the information he provided me.

"So...Why did he look like Charlie?"

Jack sharply looked up at me.

His eyes stared unblinkingly at mine for what seemed like forever before he once again broke eye contact, first looking at his fingers, then gazing up the stairs and back to his clasped hands again. He cleared his throat and again looked up intensely.

"He...umm...was helping me." Jack shrugged his shoulders and looked at me as if asking permission. He suddenly seemed a lot younger. I couldn't stop myself from raising my hand and stroking the side of his face. He immediately dropped his gaze back down to the table.

"Jack?"

"Hrm?"

"How are you?" I dropped my hand to his shoulder and felt him take a deep breath. When he looked up again it was without the awkward trepidation that he had been exhibiting and there was a small but genuine smile on his face. He didn't say anything but his eyes were distant and I knew he was thinking.

"So you met my team last night. Whadda you think?"

I was caught off guard by the question and removed my hand from his shoulder.

"That was your team? Even the geeky guy?"

That brought a full Jack O'Neill smile.

"Yeah. Danny and Carter are both science geeks."

"Carter's the woman?" He nodded

"She's military, though, right? The guy with the glasses doesn't seem military..."

"He's not. But he's a good guy. He puts up with me, I put up with him. We look out for one another."

It was then I realized that Jack was happy. He still had issues to work out and was still grieving, if anything, yesterday was a clear indication of that. But he was happy, with people to care about and who seem to care about him. That realization released a burden I hadn't even realized I carried.

We continued to talk, alternating between times of awkward silence and times that reflected the comfort of our previous years together.

When it came time to go I asked him to wait in the hall for a moment.

"Here..." He looked at me confused as I bungled some small items into his hands.

"Sara...?"

"I just thought you should have something...you know, of his, for you..." He looked down at the few photos, baseball glove and ball I had put in his hands. He stood there for a long moment breathing heavily and I hardly believed it when I realized he was crying.

"Sara..." he breathed quietly, "Thank you...and...I'm sorry."

I felt my breath catch in my chest. I didn't think before I reached out and hugged him. It was awkward with his hands full but the contact helped ease whatever it was that I was feeling.

I pulled away as I felt Jack compose himself.

"Hey Jack...this year...on the anniversary, maybe we could not do it alone?"

He looked at me for a moment before nodding his head and barely whispered the word "Okay."

Then he was out the door and getting in to the waiting Air Force vehicle.

I watched him go and felt better than I had in a long time.


	3. The Third Time

Wow. Thanks for all the great reviews- They are humbly appreciated…I hope that this continues to live up to your first impressions!

I plan on having between 10 and 15 chapters of varying length. It maybe a while before I post again. I had the first 3 chapters written when I started this story so I just needed time to proof before posting each one. Now I need get back to writing! I hope that it's worth the wait!

Thanks again for reading.

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The third time I saw Jack it was at his new house.

I was angry.

We hadn't spoken since the day he came to my house almost 6 months previous but I had trusted him, believed we were in a new place together and that he would be there- but the day of our tragic anniversary came and went and Jack never showed, didn't even call with some lame excuse.

I told myself that I wasn't surprised, but I knew I was lying. Jack was a lot of things but he had always tried to keep his word, even if was still struggling with facing Charlie's death. I began to wonder if the changes I had thought I had seen in him were truly all good.

When he didn't try to make any contact on that day I was hurt and angry. I wanted to write him off for good. I went to bed early that night and tried to forget Jack O'Neill for a second time.

About a week later I was driving to the mall when I realized Jack's new house was in a nearby neighborhood. Without thinking, I found myself driving down his road. I told myself that I just wanted to drive by and see what it looked like but when I saw his truck sharing the driveway with a motorcycle and a sedan I had to pull over.

I may have been able to be understanding if he had stood me up because he was off on some mission but apparently he was home and hosting a party! My previous ire boiled to the surface again and before I realized what I was doing I strode across the lawn and up to his front door.

I was about to knock angrily when I heard a commotion inside.

"Sir, you really shouldn't!" a distinctly female voice was arguing.

"I agree with Sam, Jack. This is not a good idea." A man's voice followed.

"At least let me assist you O'Neill." A second man's voice was heard.

In between I could tell another person was talking but whoever it was, his voice was too soft to be heard from outside.

The words only served as evidence of Jack's pigheaded stubbornness and further drove my negative thoughts toward the man.

I steeled myself and brazenly knocked on the door. Someone said something inside and I heard the woman laugh. Eventually the door opened, revealing the same man with round glasses that I saw the night in the hospital. Jack had called him Danny. He had a fading cut on his forehead which looked as if it was at one point pretty nasty.

"Oh. Hello." He paused, apparently surprised to see me. I noticed he had a 20 dollar bill in his hand.

"Hi, sorry. I guess you were expecting pizza?" I smiled awkwardly, suddenly feeling unsure of my actions.

"Ummm, yes, well, you can certainly come in. Sara, right? I'm Daniel Jackson."

He rushed to shove the money in his pocket while offering his hand and gesturing me inside all at the same time. It made for a very awkward and uncoordinated display.

I took his hand and nodded a 'Nice to formally meet you' and took a step inside, inwardly cursing what a bad plan this was.

I looked to my left into what I assumed to be the living room. I could see the large man who had accompanied Jack to the hospital that night. I assumed that the woman, Carter, who was there that night, must have been the source of the other voice I'd heard even though I could not currently see her. I barely had a moment to register how strange it was that Jack had his team over his house in what appeared to be a social setting.

"Danny? Was that pizza? C'mon, I'm starvin!" The sound of Jack's voice stole me from my thoughts and my breath caught in my throat. It was quiet and raspy and edged with something I was all too familiar with; Jack was in pain.

I slowly stepped into the room and turned the corner. What I saw was not what I was suspecting, and I couldn't help but smile.

Jack could barely be seen lying on the couch because he was covered with about 6 blankets and had the hood of his old blue air force sweatshirt up and tightened around his face. There was a similar bundle of blankets, sweats and person who I assumed to be Carter, sitting next to the fireplace which was roaring with a warm fire.

Jack's eyes widened and I could hear his muffled "Sara!" as he began to shift in what appeared to be an effort to sit up.

"SIR!"

"JACK!"

"O'Neill, moving is not wise."

He didn't get very far in his efforts before his teammates descended upon him, forcing his head back to the pillow. He closed his eyes and sighed shallowly before looking at me with an unreadable expression on his face.

"Hi Jack." I said simply, I didn't know what else to say. I had no idea what I had walked in upon. Other than being smothered with blankets Jack looked fine but it was apparent I was very wrong.

"Hey." He said in that same quiet voice. "You've met the kids..."

Daniel smirked and when the large man tilted his head in a strange kind of formal bow Jack suddenly interjected, "Teal'c is an alien!"

The whole room looked at him with shocked expressions. He smiled dopily. "Thought you'd be interested in knowing."

He was right, I was very much intrigued by his statement and it took all my effort not to stare at the large presence standing to my left.

"Sir…" Carter's hood had fallen from her face and she glanced quickly between Jack and myself. I could see she to had evidence of recent abrasions on her cheek. I looked back to Jack and still couldn't see any evidence of what was wrong. My curiosity was fueled as Jack presented his excuse for his announcement.

"I'm on pain meds. I can say what I want. I'm loopy. Not my fault." Now the whole room was looking at me.

"Um...good to meet you Teal'c." I decided ignoring Jack was my best course of action.

Daniel began blabbering about how Jack meant alien as in immigrant and Teal'c was here from Mozambique but thanks to our previous chat I knew that Jack was being truthful so I paid little attention to Daniel's attempted cover story.

Carter shook her head and then walked over with a smile and extended her hand, "Hi, I'm Sam. We've met before briefly."

"Yes, I remember you. It is good to see you again." No one made any exclamations of alarm when she moved from her seat. However, Jack tracked her movement with his eyes, not stopping his gaze until she was seated again.

I suddenly felt as if I had invaded a very private affair and was incredibly out of place. As badly as I wanted to know what was going on I had the sense that I was more of an outsider than the literal alien in the room and it would be best if I left.

"I'm sorry," I stammered, "I shouldn't have dropped in unannounced. You all have a

lovely afternoon."

I moved to leave when I heard Jack behind me.

"No. Sara, stay. I know why you're here. You have a right to be pissed." His words disappeared into a series of small coughs that had everyone in the room looking at him with concern.

Carter began to move over to him but he waved her off. "Sorry. I was trying to say, stay. There will be pizza!" He smiled widely but it did not reach his eyes.

I shook my head slowly. "I'm not pissed Jack, at least not now. It appears you had good reason." I settled into one of the seats in the small but cozy room. "So what's with the blankets?"

"I don't want to be cold. I'd much prefer to be hot." The matter of fact statement was accompanied by a smirk and a wink to which I responded with just an eyebrow raise. He began to chuckle which I immediately regretted as he began to cough again, this time violently.

We were all beside him in a moment, this time he didn't wave anyone off, it was obvious he couldn't. I had a sudden irrational fear that the pile blankets were suffocating him and began to remove them. It wasn't until all of the blankets were off that I realized his leg was in a large cast.

His coughing began to subside and I went to put my hand on his chest but Sam's was already there, rubbing smooth circles, trying to calm the spasms. As soon as she noticed me a shadow of guilt that I didn't understand crossed her features and she removed her hand. I decided to ask Jack about that later, but not to dwell on it now.

I perched myself on the edge of the couch, next to his side. I took the glass of water that Daniel had appeared with and tipped it to Jack's lips. He took a small sip and relaxed back into the pillow. The fit had clearly exhausted him. I began to take up where Sam left off and rubbed slow, large circles on his chest.

That's when I began to figure out what else was going on, there were bandages on his chest. Some of the large smooth ones that were used for binding broken ribs as well as some small gauzey ones that were used after surgery.

"Jack..." I breathed quietly, "What have you done to yourself?"

"It wasn't...my fault..." his eyes were still closed and his voice was quiet, "Antartica sucks!"

I smiled at him and glanced around at the others in the room; Teal'c was just standing there, close by but impassive and unreadable, Daniel was wearing a grim smirk and then I looked at Sam.

Her eyes were wide and her pale skin was even paler. She looked at no one but Jack.

"Sir...maybe we shouldn't have taken you home yet...Janet was right. Let us take you back." Her voice was shaky, but her words were firm and Jack opened his eyes to look at her;

"Carter, I'm fine, really. I'm not lying to you. I promise." They stayed, locking eyes for a long time before she relented.

"Okay Sir. But how about you get some rest. Please?" He gave a small nod and closed his eyes in response.

I blew out a breath I didn't realize I was holding and rubbed my hand through his hair before standing and covering him with only one blanket. I stood and was met with Teal'c holding a box of pizza.

"We will eat in the other room. You should join us SaraO'Neill." I looked at Jack who was evidently sleeping before nodding numbly and following Teal'c.

It was only then that I thought to glance around what was now Jack's home.

I was expecting something spartan and bare but this was warm and well lived in with pictures and displays on the walls. I smiled at the family picture by the living room step. It made me happy that he had it in such a prominent location and I found myself glad I had given it to him.

I made it into the other room and awkwardly sat alongside Daniel who smiled broadly at me, "I'm sorry about today. I know you had come wanting to talk with Jack...why did he think you'd be pissed?"

I smiled at Daniel's attempt at subtlety, "We were supposed to meet and he stood me up." I answered simply.

"Oh." He said. "Well, he was MIA for a while and then he's been in the hospital so it's not really his fault you know."

I inwardly flinched at the news that Jack had once again been MIA but managed to school my features into an understanding smile.

"So..." I began, "You all gallivant around to alien planets and he manages to bust himself up this bad in Antarctica? Can someone tell me how that happens?!"

I took in the gaped mouths and the glances being shared among the team members. "I take it Jack didn't tell you that he clued me in about what it is you all do."

Teal'c was the first to speak, "He did not."

The ensuing conversation is how I learned all about the Stargate and Jack's exploits over the past year.

I never told his team how vague Jack had been when we had our conversation, so if they assumed I had clearance it wasn't anyone's fault really...

After a surprisingly enjoyable conversation and all the pizza had been consumed I decided it was time to go. Sam offered to follow me out. As we stepped out side she stopped me.

"He talked about you, y'know." I looked at her quizzically but she was looking down, not meeting my eyes.

"When we were stranded...and he was hurt...he talked about you. How when he was stuck on a mission a few years ago thinking of you was what got him through it...and then...he thought he was dying...I did too actually...and he spoke...to you...said your name. It was one of the last things he was able to say..."

I didn't know what to say, she seemed so uncomfortable and there was a tinge to her words that I couldn't place.

I did the only thing I could do, I hugged her.

"Take care of him for me, He needs someone like you around."

I could feel Sam nod her head and her muffled reply. We released one another and I proceeded back to my car.

I knew there'd be more time to talk with Jack in the future so I made my way home with peace in my heart.


	4. The Fourth Time

Thanks again for the comments!

2 things:

a) The Ship- There will be some tension here and there because that's what the show did but this is NOT a ship story. The 3rd chapter probably has more than most simply because of the experience that it was for Sam and Jack's characters.

b) The episodes- I guess I should mention what specific episodes these things come after. Chap 1 is pre series. Chap 2 is Cold Lazarus (Season 1) Chap 3 is Solitudes (Season 1) Chap 4 is Family (Season 2?) Several more to go!!!

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The fourth time I saw Jack it was in the park.

I had seen him, from a distance, lounging on a picnic bench with his elbows propped behind him and his legs stretched in front of him. We hadn't spoken in months. I had talked to him over the phone while he was recuperating from his Antarctica trip and he had sent me a birthday card a few weeks back but this was the first time I had SEEN him since the day I had shown up at his house. I decided it couldn't hurt to say hi so I began to walk over.

He made no movement as I approached; he seemed to be lost in his thoughts.

"Jack?"

He didn't move for a second and I thought he didn't hear me.

"Hi Jack..." I said again. This time I saw the features of his face flicker as he dragged himself from inside his thoughts so as to turn his head and look at me.

"Sarah." His voice was quiet and he did not smile. Something wasn't right.

"Jack, what's wrong?" As soon as the words were out of my mouth I wondered how much I was willing to put into what I knew would be an argument. I knew he was going to brush me off and say he was fine. I wasn't his wife anymore, if he didn't want to communicate with me that shouldn't be a problem to fight about.

I had been so busy anticipating what he was going to say I almost missed it when he spoke again.

"I'm a really bad person." I knew my eyebrows must have jumped to my hairline. That was NOT the response I had expected. I didn't know how to respond. If I told him the truth, that I knew he WASN'T a bad person, he would think I was patronizing him and wouldn't take it sincerely. I did the next best thing, made a space for myself next to him on the bench and asked him,

"Why?"

That got him to look abruptly at me. I guess he to had his own ideas as to how this conversation would go. We were both in new territory now.

"I just am." He finally responded gravelly and turned his face away again.

I sighed deeply, "No, Jack. Don't play this way. You've told me that you're a bad person. All I'm asking is why. As someone who has chosen to be in a relationship with you I think I have the right to judge for myself."

"You don't already know?" He growled.

I pursed my lips, he wasn't making this easy. "I used to think I knew enough, but now I know that things can change."

He took a deep breath, leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and scrubbed his face viciously with his hands. He began to speak without lifting his head or looking at me. I had to strain to hear what he was saying.

"Teal'c's kid was in trouble. Like BIG, mortal, trouble. We were able to help him out and he's okay now. But there was this moment, at the end, when I saw Teal'c and his wife and his son, together and happy I didn't feel happy for them."

He stopped talking and I found myself drifting into thoughts about how I had never considered that aliens would have regular family lives with spouses and children. I shook my head and brought myself back to thinking about what Jack had just said.

"Why? What did you feel?"

He lifted his head and looked at me with sad eyes.

"I was angry." He said softly.

I was pretty sure I knew why, but I didn't say anything. I just stared at him openly, waiting for him to say more. He leaned back again and looked out across the park. I followed his gaze to the playground in the far corner.

"I was angry" he began again, "That Teal'c's kid was okay when mine wasn't. He is a soldier like me, done WORSE things in battle than I have so the whole karma argument is crap. Why did he deserve to keep his family when mine was ripped away? What did I do different? A moment of senselessness is really that much of a vice?" Jack's words were passionate and emotion laden but his voice was quiet and monotone and his eyes never left the children playing in the distance.

"But then there it is. What kind of a person is angry when a child is okay and returned to his parents? What kind of a person is angry when his friend doesn't have to suffer? What kind of a person wishes what we experienced on anyone else? That's the true measure of who I am."

I barely breathed while Jack was talking. He was no longer monotone. His hands were angrily gesticulating with his words and he shook his head in disgust.

I bit my lip and waited, when it appeared he wasn't going to say anything further I asked, "Are you still angry?"

He looked at me sadly, "Only at myself. I only felt the anger toward Teal'c for a moment, the split second that I realized what was going on in my head I felt terrible. I even bought Rya'c a baseball glove to apologize for my thoughts. Of course he didn't know them but I just felt like I owed him something. God, he's such a strong little kid, how could I wish him ill? How could I wish that for any kid?"

"Jack." I decided it was time to talk, "You know that jealousy can manifest as anger, right?"

He just looked at me, saying nothing, so I plowed on. "And it wouldn't be wrong for you to be jealous given the situation. Hell Jack, I'd be surprised if you weren't."

His shoulders moved as he took a long breath in. "That doesn't make it right." He said sadly, looking at the ground. "I still wished harm on a KID. There is no excuse for that. Ever."

"Did you though?" I wasn't going to let him twist his thoughts in his dark self-loathing logic.

"Did I what?" He sounded exasperated.

"Did you actually wish harm on a kid. Did you look at that boy and think 'I wish you were dead.'" I was steady and firm and struggled to meet his eyes.

He balked. "No, of course not! But it was just as well..."

I shook my head, "No, no it wasn't. If you didn't think that, what DID you think?"

When he moved to look away I grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at me. He opened his mouth to say something and then closed it again, thinking. When his shoulders sagged I knew he had found his answer.

"Well, Jack? What did you think to yourself? If you weren't wishing Teal'c's boy dead you were thinking...what?"

He breathed out again and I let him drop his face down as he spoke with quiet words, "I wished that my boy wasn't dead."

I knew what he was going to say before he said it, that didn't mean I was prepared for it. But I knew I had to say something, I couldn't shut down. That was what tore Jack and I apart after the accident and now I was determined to keep going. I took a few steadying breaths and put my hand on his shoulder.

"THAT thought certainly is not wrong and definitely doesn't make you a bad person, does it?"

He looked up at me, a small smile ghosting his face.

"You know what, Sarah Conlin? You're alright." I smiled sadly at the phrase so often used when Jack and I were together. He would use my maiden name because he knew it would spurn a reaction from me.

"You going to be alright Jack?" His smile turned more wide and more mischievous although it didn't meet his eyes as he put on an obviously exaggerated bravado.

"Ma'am, as they say, you can't keep a good dog down." I smiled at the truth in that statement before looking at my watch and gasping.

"Oh crap, the time."

"What is it?" He asked sitting up straighter.

I suddenly realized who I was talking to and hesitated for a moment, unsure if I should tell the truth.

"Sarah, are you okay? What is it? Where do you need to be? I have my truck, let me drive you." He was already standing with his keys in his hands, pointing to the parking lot.

I smiled smally, "No, Jack, that's okay really..."

He grabbed my arms and bent to look into my face, "Sarah...you just single handedly saved me from myself, AGAIN. The least I can do is give you a ride..."

I looked at him, unsure of what to say. I could feel the blush creeping up the back of my neck. "Ihaveadate."

Jack relaxed his grip and cocked his head to the side, a true smile coming across his face for the first time today, "Pardon, you said that a bit fast, come again?"

I sighed and looked at him, "I have a date." I enunciated clearly, "A first date. Well, kind of. He's my neighbor. Moved into the old Trembly's house across the street. He's a really nice guy and he knows all about my history and still wants to make a go of it and I really want to at least try because gotta move on sometime, right? He has a dog, a collie named Cocoa, so I'm sure you'd like him. Not that it matters because you don't need to approve my dates. It's been over 2 years Jack." I realized I was rambling and needed to stop soon. "So anyway, thanks for the offer but I'm not to sure what impression he'll get if I get dropped off by my ex-husband." I took a deep breath and fidgeted with my fingers.

Jack stood there, smiling at me. I didn't know what he was thinking and he was starting to make me more uncomfortable than I was already.

"Jack?" I asked.

His grin got wider, "I'm happy for you Sarah, I really am." He patted my arms before removing his hands and I knew he was being genuine. I wonder if he even surprised himself with that revelation.

"Now come on," He spoke again, "I'll drop you off a block away so you can get there but you don't need to explain anything."

"Thanks, Jack. That would be perfect." I smiled at him and followed him to the parking lot.

I was happy, I realized that telling Jack about Sean was a good thing and had released a quietly ignored fear. I knew I'd be able to move on with my life yet not leave Jack O'Neill behind and THAT was enough to make it a good day for me.


	5. The Fifth Time

I meant to have this chapter be longer but I liked the way it was at this point so I'm going to split it into 2 chapters. Set after Show and Tell in the second season.

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The fifth time I saw Jack we barely spoke.

The gravel crunched under my feet as I walked up the path. It quieted when I paused for a moment, looking forward, up the hill.

Jack was already there; he was in his dress blues, hat in hand, head bowed but standing straight, silhouetted against the sun hanging low on the horizon. I took a moment to appreciate the simple beauty of the scene.

When I realized the sadness of the picture in front of me, emotion overwhelmed my senses and the aesthetic details no longer interested me.

I walked forward and noticed Jack's arm was in a sling; although my stomach clenched I filed my concern away for later- today was not about our physical pains.

Jack turned his head in my direction when I drew close.

He was wearing his sunglasses but I was shocked to see drying tear stains on his face.

He removed his sunglasses and offered a small, sad smile. "Sarah."

The word was greeting and inquiry to my well being all at once. I decided to respond in kind.

"Jack." He nodded his response and turned to look back at the small marble marker in front of us. I stepped closer and stood shoulder to shoulder with him and followed his gaze down.

The modest memorial was like a vortex.

When I looked at the white surface the whole world around me disappeared.

I was alone with the carefully carved words.

As I lost sense to the rest of the universe, new sights and sounds filtered into my awareness; laughter, smiling shouts, the tearing of wrapping paper, a cry and a desperate hug, a gap toothed smile, a mop of light brown hair and dark brown eyes jumping into bed with exclamations of 'Mommy!'...my memories were warm but the air suddenly felt cold as my heart was sucked into the vortex and tears fell down my cheeks...

I missed my son.

I forgot Jack was there until I felt a hand on my lower back. I didn't think as I turned around and buried myself into his chest, "I miss him, Jack. Oh god, I miss him."

I felt his adams apple bob as he swallowed and his arm tightened around my shoulders.

"I know Sarah, I know, I'm sorry." His voice was rough.

I sighed and began to pull away.

"Jack."

He didn't relax his grasp. "Sarah. Please, don't..."

I grimaced and leaned my forehead into his sternum. "Jack." I whispered, defeated.

I felt his deep breaths and felt safe in his one armed hug. I lay my cheek against his chest and allowed myself a small smile, "Jack…"

He sighed deeply and dropped his arm, "Sarah, can't we just be here right now? I promise we can talk for real, maybe even later today. Just not now, just not here…please?"

I ducked my head with a small smile, "That's okay. I was just trying to tell you that your commendations were hurting my face."

He blinked and looked down at me. A moment passed until he offered another small smile. "Oh."

My arms stayed loose around his waist as he stepped back.

"Are you ready to go?" His words a simple, no indication of pressure either which way.

I give a nod and one final glance at the grave before leading the way to the parking lot.


	6. The Fifth Time, Cont

Hi, Thanks for your continued reading! I really appreciate it!!! This is the second half of Chapter 5, I just felt it didn't fit the same tone as the first half so it needed to be 2 chapters... this is set shortly after Show and Tell.

* * *

We were quiet as we walked to my car. Jack had been dropped off by a base sergeant so I offered to drive him to his house.

As we settled into the vehicle we remained lost in our own thoughts.

After a few minutes I decided to break the silence,  
"So, what happened to your arm?"

He looked at me enigmatically.

"It's okay if you can't tell me. I understand classified."

He grimaced and then looked straight ahead and sighed. "I was hit by a kind of energy weapon. No projectile. Just a deep burn."

"...Oh." I didn't know what else to say. I honestly didn't expect such a straightforward answer. I was poised to ask more when Jack audibly cleared his throat,

"Actually...That's something I should talk with you about."

"Oh?" I looked over at him, waiting for him to continue. He was looking forward again, his features twisting in thought.

"There was this kid. This alien kid. He didn't have a real name."

He paused, looking at me.

"Okay..." I encouraged him to continue, unsure of where he was going with this.

He took a deep breath and began his story again, "Yeah, so this kid didn't have a real name; he was just called 'son'. When he found out that we all have names he wanted one too."

"Sounds reasonable." I interjected.

He glanced at me but his eyes shot back to the road. "When he was choosing a name he asked me what my son's name was."

"Oh." I realized it was the third time in this short car ride that I offered the simple word.

"Yeah. And of course he decided that the name he wanted was Charlie. The kicker is that he asked my permission."

"Did you give it to him?" I spoke with out thinking and I hoped Jack didn't take my response as an accusation.

He sighed deeply, "Yeah, I did. I couldn't say other wise. God, Sarah...this kid...all by himself. He was a human but we were the first humans he ever knew...he couldn't have been more than 10." Jack paused again, thinking. "He asked me if he could be my son."

I jerked my head at him and the car swerved before I got myself back under control. I looked at him for further explanation, for some facial twitch to let me know what was going on in his head but Jack just sat there, grimacing, eyes hidden behind those damned glasses. I snapped.

"Really? Jack!? Are you trying to tell me you have a ten year old son named Charlie waiting for you at home? This couldn't have come up earlier!? You're telling me now, today, of all days? You were standing there with me at OUR REAL Charlie's grave, when you have a nicely packaged replacement waiting for you at home? God Jack. I was under the impression that you had gotten beyond these kind of reactions. And not to mention irresponsible! You're on your own, with a very dangerous job...what would this kid have done if you got hit by that thing in the chest instead of an arm? He'd be alone again. And don't EVEN THINK of asking me to get involved. Maybe I'll have a child again someday but never in such a pathetic display of dependency!!!"

I was so angry. I wasn't even sure why, but the thought made my skin crawl. Jack really valued individuals for themselves, a trait that was rare in the military, and he loved Charlie so much. I couldn't imagine him just accepting a blatant replacement, because that was what this child was in my mind; a replacement. 10 years old, named Charlie, inquisitive...I bet he even had brown hair and liked some alien equivalent of baseball. In my mind, replacing Charlie made the person who was our son seem less valuable. How could you replace a human being?

Jack was turned away from me, looking out the window, taking even breaths. When he spoke, it was quiet.  
"He's not at home."

I barely heard him, "What?"

He sighed and turned to look at me, removing his glasses. His face was serious and his tone was steel, "I didn't say yes. I told him we would talk later. He was sick. Really sick. No way on Earth we could have helped him. Luckily, we have allies who had an option for him, would give him a chance to get better and grow up. He's with them now and honestly I'm worried sick. I don't really trust these friends of ours and he's just a kid. An alone, scared kid."

He paused and looked out the window again.

"Had that not been the case...had he not been sick and had to leave...I don't know what I would have done. I can't NOT help a kid. Of course it wouldn't have been smart for me to remain in my current role but maybe I wouldn't have been the one to keep him...or Hell, I stepped out of active duty when Charlie was a baby...I could consider it again. You need to know though, IF any of that had happened, this kid wouldn't be a replacement. No one could be and I can't believe you would think I would be capable of replacing our son. This was just a kid who was asking for help. To turn my back would have been wrong and I would have forever doubted myself, but it was NEVER about replacing Charlie. I could never do that."

I swallowed and kept my gaze straight out the windshield "Then why did you feel you needed to tell me about it?"

He looked down and fiddled with his sling, his words were quiet and stilted, "Because I DID fear that in some way I was betraying Charlie...letting this kid use his name, and then looking out for him...I cared about the kid...part of me felt like I was wrong for that...all of that is supposed to be reserved for Charlie only...but you've always had better perspective than me and maybe if I told you, and you understood, than maybe it wasn't wrong to let the kid have a name and to be worried about him..."

I found myself regretting my previous outburst. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." His face was still looking down.

"It wasn't wrong, Jack. It wasn't." He looked at me, face blank, and gave a nodded acknowledgement.

We rode in silence for a while for when Jack spoke up again, "If he stayed we probably would have done what we did with Cassie..."

I looked at him. "Who?"

He nodded his head. "Cassie. She's great. The base CMO is fostering her right now. I'm fairly certain that Doc's plan is to adopt." He paused a moment and smiled, "I got her a dog."

"And she's an..."

"Alien. Yup. But we tell people she's Canadian. Close enough." He was smirking.

I didn't know what to say, which was fine because Jack's smile didn't fade and he kept talking, "She came over a few months ago. It's been a lot of fun to have her around and introduce her to things like swings and balloons and swimming...she's a pre-teen with out the attitude."

As we pulled onto his road he nodded toward his driveway where there were a handful of cars. "If you'd like you can come in and meet her...I'd guess that Janet brought her along."

"Ummm..." I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Today had already been an emotional rollercoaster and I was feeling like I should just go home, have a large glass of wine and sleep off the stress.

I still hadn't made up my mind as I braked the car in the driveway and a tousle of curly brown hair came bounding out of the front door, an adolescent dog tumbling down the steps behind her.

"JACK! JACK! We're having a cookout! Teal'c built a fire and Sam is going to make marshmallows and she said I can help!!!" Jack stepped out the door in time for her to jump up knocking of his hat and he awkwardly, yet successfully, picked her up with his one arm and spun her around while the dog yipped at their feet.

I looked to try and find something alien about the girl but she looked completely normal and I began to wonder if this was who I thought it was when,

"CASSIE!" A petite woman stood in the doorway of Jack's with her hands on her hips.

"What did I tell you about rough housing with Colonel O'Neill?"

Jack and Cassie shared a look and rolled their eyes as Jack let her down and re-adjusted his sling. Cassie hung her head,  
"I'm not supposed to rough house with Jack because he's hurt and I don't want to have him hurt himself more."

Jack picked up his hat and patted her head affectionately.

"C'mon Doc..." Jack whined at the small woman but he was smiling with mischief in his eyes. I decided then that this was again one of those scenarios where I didn't belong and I should probably leave.

"Jack," I called from the car, "I'm going to head out."

Cassie whirled around and before I knew it the adolescent energy was at my window.

"But we're having a cook out! And Sam is making marshmallows...you could probably help too!"

"Cassie..." Jack warned.

Cassie looked at him for a moment and then looked back at me, "Oh, sorry. Hi, My name is Cassie. I am happy to meet you, will you please come have cook out with us?" She turned to shout back at Jack, "Was that better? I tried to be very polite."

He looked at me, shrugging his shoulder before he smiled at her, "Yes, it was much better, you did a good job. Why don't you go wash your hands and we'll meet you round back?"

Cassie bounded back in the house, dog at her heels.

"Well," Jack said, smirking at me as he undid the top buttons of his dress shirt and loosened his tie. "Cassie invited you in so you really have no choice now."

I seriously considered still leaving but then I compared what my night would be alone to if I stayed. The whole point of getting together with Jack today was to make it easier, less painful, and having a barbeque with good people a happy child and dog was better than drinking alone.

I nodded my assent and followed Jack into the house. When I was greeted with the warm welcome of his awaiting team members I knew I was foolish to feel unsure, as long as Jack and I were a part of each other's lives these people would welcome me.

Hours later Cassie was sleeping, stretched out on the couch, with her head on Sam's lap and her feet on Jack's who looked close to sleep himself. I shook my head. Jack had been so concerned about caring for that other Charlie but here he was with this girl, giving him an obvious outlet for his fatherly nature. It was probably good for him and I found myself jealous. Before I could ruminate on it too long I decided it was time to leave.

"Don't get up, Jack. I don't want you to disturb Cassie." He smiled and I leaned over to give him a kiss on the cheek and whispered, "Thanks for letting me be a part of your family for the evening."

"Sarah." He grabbed my arm before I could pull away and his eyes were deadly serious, "You ARE a part of my family. Always. Every day. Nothing ever changes that. Okay?"

I just nodded, trying desperately to keep back the tears I suddenly felt brimming and squeezed his arm. I looked him in the eyes to tell him what I couldn't say aloud and he let go of my arm and sank back in to the couch. I glanced around the room and noticed that everyone else was suddenly and conveniently very much engaged in a conversation about the quality of Jack's furniture. Jack rolled his eyes and I smirked.

I said my goodbyes to everyone and as I drove away I ruminated on how odd it felt on this day to have had a good day.


	7. The Sixth Time

Sorry it's been so long- moving and new job have kept me busier than ever!!!

This takes place season 3, just after Shades of Grey.

* * *

The 6th time I saw Jack it was complicated.

It had been a year since we saw each other. Again, the birthday and Christmas cards were exchanged (Jacks were belated like normal). He had even called once to invite me to another cookout with his team. I had to decline because of other plans but I had regretted it.

I found myself missing Jack and finding that a year was a long time apart.

So it was that I sat in my car eagerly driving to his house for our standing appointment. My emotions were conflicted - torn between being happy at the prospect of spending time with Jack and the overwhelming sadness that this day brought to the both of us.

When Jack got in the car it was clear he was having no such conflict - there was nothing happy about him. He barely grunted his hello as I backed out onto the road. No grin no awkward car hug or warm hand hold. He stared straight ahead not sparing me a glance.

We arrived at the cemetery and walked up the hill in silence. I had been hoping that this year would be easier, but it wasn't and I again had the sudden feeling of being dropped into a vortex. I had so wanted this to be the time I wouldn't cry but my resolve fell to pieces and the warm tears pushed at my lashes.

Unexpectedly I felt the weight of strong hands on my shoulders and I turned to bury my face into Jack's embrace. I cried as his arms held me tight and slowly rocked us back and forth.

After a period of time I felt nearly foolish and gently stepped away, looking up at my ex husband. He wore a small sad smile and affectionately brushed a hair away from my face.

"How you doing?" He raised his eyebrows at my question and sighed as his eyes surveyed the horizon. Then came the smirk, the shrug and the one word reply, "Alright."

I tilted my head to the side, "Didn't seem like you were alright on the car ride over."

He grimaced. "That doesn't have anything to do with this."

"Jack..." I reached a hand up to cup his cheek but he suddenly pulled away and grabbed my hand from mid air with his own.

"Come on, let's go get some dinner, I don't want to bore Charlie with our talking...I found a new place that serves fabulous chili." He stood, looking at me insistently, gently tugging my hand with that infuriating smile which appeared forced, matching his jovial tone.

"Okay." I relented. I said goodbye to the grave of our son and Jack gave a sloppy salute before we returned to my car.

We ended up having dinner not far away at a small diner. The talk was simple and shallow. I told Jack what I've done with the past year and he revealed he'd been away a lot recently. I couldn't shake the feeling that something was not right but I knew he wouldn't share if I pushed so I let the conversation take its course.

We returned to his place after dark and he invited me in for coffee. I had half expected to see his team gathered around like last year but there was no one there and the house seemed so desolate, dark and lonely that I agreed to go in if for no other reason than the image of Jack walking in there alone saddened me.

When we got to the front door I noticed a post-it note under the knocker. The message was short, "_We're eating at Janet's. Come if you want. -Daniel_"

"Oh, Jack, your team is at Janet's. I'll head out and let you drive over, unless you want me to drop you off?" I stood on the porch, waiting for him to walk back to the driveway. What I did not expect him to do was crumple the small note in his hand as he entered the house and promptly toss it in a trash bin.

"Do you want a glass of wine?" He asked brusquely, "I think I'm going to have wine instead of coffee." I looked at him strangely but nodded my head affirmative. If I was going to force Jack O'Neill to talk to me than I needed something stronger than coffee.

He handed me my glass and sat on the sofa. If I surprised him when I sat next to him he didn't show it.

"Okay Jack, spill it."

"What?" He looked at me, feigning confusion.

"What the heck is wrong with you and your team? I don't know you all that well but I'd like to think I know enough and you've thrown up enough red flags that I know something happened and seeing as you are apparently not talking to them, than maybe you can talk to me."

He looked at me solemnly. "It's nothing. Really. Just a rough bump is all."

"Jack," I put my hand on his knee, "What happened?"

He rolled his eyes and shifted slightly on the couch. He took a sip from his glass and gave a big sigh. "The team is a little peeved at me for the moment...and on one level I don't particularly blame them but mostly I'd like them to just understand and get over it."

He rubbed his hands over his face, and his right ran through his hair and came to rest, rubbing the back of his neck.

"What did you do that would make them mad?"

His arm dropped to his lap and he looked at me and pursed his lips. I could tell he was debating if he should bother explaining.

"Okay. You know how I mentioned I was away for like 3 months?" I nodded. "Well it wasn't by choice. We were on a planet when a meteorite struck and buried the gate. They got through, I was stuck behind…"

I couldn't contain the small gasp that escaped my lips. I never knew the details of Jack's old missions but I do know the time he spent as a POW was probably his worst experience and it was because his team had been forced to leave him behind. I hadn't forgiven the government for allowing that to happen and last I knew he hadn't forgive his old friend Frank. To have been left behind, accident or not, was not something I ever wanted for Jack again. He tilted his head, smiled sadly and covered my hand with his.

"Yes, well, anyway…that sucked big time. I spent a lot of time digging for the gate but after 3 months I figured it was either impossibly deep or destroyed. I was lucky enough to be with some good people who had taken me in to their family and I decided to settle in to force myself to accept my new life." He paused and looked around the room before visually snapping back to telling the story. "Anyway, literally within 48 hours of me making that conscious decision, lo and behold, Teal'c comes bounding out of the ground. A meteor knocked the ring over and buried it and Carter spent 3 months building a thing-a-ma-jig that would let them open the gate anyway and Teal'c climbed through."

"So they rescued you, I'm not understanding the conflict here..." I looked at him, trying to decipher the story.

"Well they weren't angry then...they were a little offended that I had moved on. In their eyes none of them had given up but I had. I displayed a lack of faith in them by not believing that I'd leave."

"They can't be upset about that now!" I was really taken aback. It didn't seem to add up.

"Well, exhaustion and adrenaline will do stupid things to your mind." His hand was rubbing at his hair again and he was no longer making eye contact with me. I had to lean close to understand his quiet words.

"Had everyone a chance to rest up properly we'd be all set but my next mission came too soon. I was asked by allies to go under cover to create a sting operation and uncover some subversion. The problem is that they refused to let my team participate- I had to con them as well as everyone else. Some of the things I did and some of the things I had to say...it didn't go over well with them. I mean the mission was a success and I did what was needed to do but there was some serious fall out with my team. It would have been bad on a normal day but they were already sensitive because of the Edora thing...this was just one more stressor we didn't need.

He fell quiet and studied his hands, fidgeting in his lap.

I wasn't sure what to say. He was being so vague that I couldn't comment either way on his or his team's actions and I didn't know how to offer words of comfort. I started with the obvious, "They don't seem mad...I mean Daniel invited you to Janet's..."

Jack gave a short snort of disagreement and shook his head. "Oh they're mad. The note was to keep themselves from feeling guilty for not inviting me. They could have called. Hell, most times they would have gathered here, if I was home or not."

I restrained myself from rolling my eyes at his cynicism. "Well regardless, it seems like an olive branch. Why aren't you taking it and trying to make something of it?"

He leaned his head back on the sofa and sighed. "I don't want to sound whiney or lazy but to go there and try to mend things from this side would be a ton of work. I've already apologized like crazy- they all just need to realize what I was going through and that I was just doing my job; I didn't have a choice." He sat up and looked at some of the pictures he had on the mantle. I hadn't noticed them before but several were of his team and a couple of the young girl, Cassie, whom I had met last year.

"If I went to that cook out they'd all just distance me. That invite was intended for me not to come and if I showed up they wouldn't know how to react and so would talk amongst themselves leaving me alone. I am tired of trying to be apologetic for something that is not my fault and I'm tired of being alone. I've been essentially alone, with out my team or my friends them for over 4 months now and I'm tired of it. It's not that I _need_ them, I've always rotated through, just as you get close to people you move on. But that's always been professional…I hate this ambiguity. If they're going to give up on what we've built the past 3 years than they should just say so and we can be done with it."

His eyes were focused across the room and his fist pounded on the arm of the sofa as he spoke. I put my hand on his arm, stilling his fidgeting and looked up at him, forcing him to make eye contact with me.

"Jack, you're right, it's a rough patch, but everyone will get over it. You're not alone. Maybe they aren't here right now, but I am. You aren't alone."

He looked at me with those deep, sad, chocolate eyes and next thing I knew the space between us was gone and his lips were on mine.

A voice somewhere in the back of my mind told me that this was not a good idea but I squashed it as Jack maneuvered me to the bedroom.

* * *

The next morning I woke up in Jack's bed. I took a moment to breathe in the scent of his room and tried to pretend it was years earlier and life had not landed us where it had.

There was a time when we were so deeply in love, I was literally swept off my feet. We had been completely in synch with one another, he never talked much but he never had to, I always knew what I needed to know and he did as well. That wordless bond always made intimacy with Jack something uniquely special. The benefits of a long term relationship and marriage meant that we knew each other's bodies better than we each knew our own. Giving and receiving in familiar ways and patterns let me pretend that we never lost each other, that we still had an unbreakable bond.

But that wasn't the case. Our bond had been broken. Charlie's birth had brought us closer than ever but his death tore us irreparably apart. There had been moments in recent years where I had questioned Jack's and my separation. But spending the night with him once again was enough to prove to me otherwise. We were physically the same, but the emotional bond just wasn't there as it once had been. We moved as if from memorization, not from anticipating and knowing each other.

Laying in bed with his arm under my head and his breath on my neck I knew that although I would always love Jack, I missed who we were and as long as we would never be those people again, we could never truly reconcile and be together again.

The realization was startling and freeing. May be if I moved on from Jack than I could move on with renewing my life and give myself a chance at happiness again. If I was honest with myself, I had not given any of my recent relationships real effort.

I heard a deep sigh next to me and I knew Jack was awake. What's more, he would know that I was awake. Deciding not to fight it I rolled over and smiled at him.

"Hi."

"Hey." He smiled that same sad smile at me.

"How you doing?" I asked him.

"Good. I think..." He smirked, then stuttered and I smiled.

"Why don't you put on some clothes and we can have breakfast downstairs?" He nodded mutely and rolled to the other side of the bed to fetch his shorts.

As I dressed I could see him looking over at me, trying to gauge what I was thinking. I tried to keep my face straight but the smile was bursting to get out. Last night had been more enjoyable than any I'd had since I'd last been with Jack and I woke to an invigorating realization...I really couldn't be more content at the moment.

Breakfast was scrambled eggs, sausage and toast. I was spreading jam on my toast when Jack spoke.

"I don't know what to think right now Sara."

I looked up at him sharply. That was not a way that Jack O'Neill began a conversation.

"How do you mean Jack?" I tried to keep my voice even and aloof.

He looked down and picked at his food, moving it around. He looked up and hesitantly asked, "Do you want to give us another try? For real?" He used his fork to gesture between the two of us.

I gave him a small smile and decided to flip it back to him, "What do you want?"

He sighed and shook his head. He was silent for a long time until I prodded, "Jack?"

"I don't know...and it's frustrating me! I mean last night was great and I've never really stopped loving you and I want you to be happy...but…" He drifted off and stabbed at his eggs.

I knew why he was hesitating, but I wanted to hear him say it. "But what Jack? It's okay…say what you mean…"

He looked at me, lips drawn in a thin line, "But I don't think it would work. We aren't the same, as individuals or together. Nothing is the same but I figure we would spend too much time trying to make it the same, back to what we were and I don't want to walk into something that will come crashing down." He looked at me apologetically, waiting for me to say something.

"Jack," I said, "Eat your eggs. Eat your eggs and stop thinking and worrying, okay? Last night was great, and I am so glad that we've been able to come together and be friends again, when Charlie first died I figured that you'd never be in my life again and I've certainly missed you so this has all been a blessing...but it wouldn't be healthy for either of us to try and repeat last night, pretending we were somewhere we weren't."

I was proud of myself for saying what I did. It was tougher than I thought it would be to put an end to something before it began.

Jack's eyes were focused on my plate when he spoke next in a very quiet voice, "But I still want to be with you."

I bit my lip to keep from gasping. I took a moment so I could speak without my voice breaking, "No Jack. You want to be with someone, but not with me. You know that. We are not the same people we once were, we don't belong together as we once did. But you are a good man Jack. You are good man who deserves to be with someone who loves you, someone whom you can make giggle with your stupid jokes and who will be good to you and not bring up negative memories...someone who gets you and makes you smile and talk. You should want that...but I'm not who you want it with."

He looked up at me and grinned. "When did you get to be so smart?"

"I was waiting for you to notice." I shot back.

"You know what Sarah Conlin? You're alright." We were smiling at each other over our breakfast where there was a fierce ringing of the doorbell and a distinctly adolescent female voice was heard on the other side of the door,

"JACK! JACK! I know you're in THERE! I see your TRUCK! JACK!"

Jack raised his eyebrows at me and got up, moving to the door. As soon as it was open, Cassie was in, leaping into Jack's arms so he staggered back against the wall.

"Hey Cass, what's up?" He asked in a much lighter tone than he had been previously using.

She let him go and stood with hands on her hips.

"I've missed you."

Jack smiled at her and knelt to her level, "Cassie, honey, you know I was away. I would have been around if I could."

I watched Cassie grimace and pout. "But you weren't there last night and you WERE around! We had a cookout and I made Mom buy supplies for S'mores and I wouldn't let Daniel make any cause I didn't want them to be gone before you came over but you never came! I was worried about you but this morning Sam said you were probably here so I came over and you are here but you didn't come over last night even though you could!"

At that point Cassie began to cry and was immediately ensconced in Jack's arms again.

While Jack was apologizing and trying to soothe the wracked preteen the screech of tires turning too fast and parking could be heard through the open door.

"Cassie?" a familiar voice called.

Jack pulled away from Cassie and shouted, "Carter, in here." before turning to the girl in his arms, "Cassie, did you tell anyone you were coming here?"

Cassie hung her head guiltily and Jack sighed as Samantha Carter walked through the door.

"Cassandra, you had all of us worried sick! You can't just leave all on your own without telling anyone what you're doing. It's not safe!"

Jack stood while Cassie faced Sam and was lectured for her actions.

Sam finally looked up, "I'm really sorry sir, we didn't even know she left the..." there was a pause as Sam caught sight of me. Her eyes quickly darted between me and Jack and the breakfast plates still on the table. I could have sworn her eyes narrowed for a fraction of a second before a faint blush crept up her cheeks. "Oh, hi Sara. Ummm, well, I'm sorry for interrupting the both of you...Come on Cassie, we're going to go and leave Jack and Sara to enjoy the morning..."

Cassie interrupted and stood her ground. "No. I don't want to go. I missed Jack. Didn't you? You said at the cookout a couple of weeks ago how strange it was with out him and how you wished he hadn't left...don't you still?"

Sam's blush deepened but she barely cast Jack or me an eye as she readdressed Cassie, "Cassandra Fraiser you can't be carrying on like this."

I decided it was time to leave and let Cassie fix the divide Jack had been feeling. "It's okay Sam, Cassie. I was on my way out any way." I turned to Jack and gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek. "Thank you, Jack. See you next year?"

I felt him swallow his adams apple as he nodded and gruffly replied. "Sure. Next year."

As I walked away I heard him announce, "Well, since you saved my s'more supplies it seems like we should be building a camp fire and roasting some marshmellows!"

"Sir, it's only 9:30 in the morning!"

"Come on Sam! Where is your sense of adventure?"

I knew I was alright I got in my car and drove away and I was pretty sure Jack would be too.


	8. The Seventh Time

_I will continue to add to this story for another 5 or so chapters; I know what each chapter will be based on but having the idea and writing it out are two very different things so thank you for your patience as I drop back into this from time to time._

_This interlude is just after the episode entity and does reference S/J ship but a little different seeing as it's Jack talking to Sara about Sam…kind of_

* * *

A full year passed before the next time I saw Jack.

The time before I had believed our interlude would be easy to get beyond but of course nothing is ever simple and it was for the best that he and I kept our distance for the year. We exchanged what had become the typical birthday and holiday cards but no phone calls or any other contact was made as the months passed.

As the anniversary of the accident drew near I began to wonder if our one night together would rupture our standing plans on that day. I wondered if I should call him or just wait to see if he showed up on our day of mutual grief.

It was nearly 10 o'clock the night before when I received the call. My caller ID indicated that he was calling from the base. I worried that meant he was again in the infirmary but my fears were relieved as soon as I answered.

"Hey, sorry it's late. How's 10am tomorrow?" His voice was quiet and weary.

I heard his tone but I couldn't restrain myself from trying to be humorous, "You're working late; on a weekend no less…Simpsons on hiatus this week?"

"Sara…" There was no amusement in his voice. Not in any mood to deal with an exasperated and grouchy Jack I cut him off before he could say anything else.

"Okay, okay Jack. Can we move it to 11?" He grunted a positive reply and hung up the phone.

"Well, this'll be fun…" I murmured to myself as I replaced the receiver.

The next morning I pulled into the cemetery parking lot next to Jack's truck. I looked up to the gravesite but instead of the stony silhouette I was expecting Jack was clearly pacing and running his hands through his hair.

Slightly disconcerted I walked towards him. He wasn't wearing his dress blues as he had in years previous but instead was in a green duty outfit with combat boots and a black t-shirt poking out from his button down. As I got closer I could hear him speaking aloud, "…frustrating Janet I'm sure but I just…gah Charlie, I just couldn't…"

Jack stilled and turned at the sound of my footsteps. A look flashed across his face as if he were surprised to see me but it was gone in an instant. He looked to his boots and shuffled his feet before squinting at me.

"Ah, hey Sara… Sorry for…" He gestured at his outfit, "I came straight from the base and didn't really think ahead, don't have anything decent to wear there…" he faded off, looking in askance.

I smiled. "It's okay Jack. I don't care what you wear, I just appreciate that you're here." I reached forward and squeezed his hand.

He smiled and gave a small shrug, "I just want to, you know, show that I know that this is special."

"You're sweet Jack but really, it's okay. I know, you don't need to do anything special. Now come on, it seems you've been here for a while but I haven't had the chance to talk to our boy yet." I tugged on his hand and pulled him back around to face the grave.

He removed his hand from mine and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his side. We were quiet and pensive for a time but my world wasn't sucked away as it had in other years. Yes, I felt the pain raw and physical in my heart, my throat constricted and tears ran down my face as I reflected on the reality of missing my child but at the same time there was a control and an awareness of it. I was in pain but it wasn't blinding or crippling as it had been. I had the brief notion that this is what healing feels like but I brushed it away as the very idea of moving on overwhelmed me with sudden guilt.

I shuddered and Jack pulled me closer. He spoke suddenly, "Remember when he and Tommy moved the slide?" Jack chuckled. It was an unenthusiastic sound and wasn't matched with a smile but I realized what he was trying to do so I nodded my head and pulled up the memory.

"I can't believe they thought I would let them slide out the living room window. I mean really, it's unbelievable how kids' minds work."

Jack smirked, "Did he ever show you the blue prints?"

I pushed away so I could Jack more properly in the face. "Blue prints?"

Jack nodded, this time his eyes crinkled with amusement. "They drew out the whole plan. There was the slide against the house and then they planned on bringing over the Sullivan's kiddie pool at the bottom and hook the hose up at the top of the slide. Voila, instant water park. That's why they went to the living room even though the dining room was closer; they needed to be near the hose hook-up." I couldn't truly tell if Jack was grinning more in amusement or pride of his mischievous and ingenious son.

"Oy…" I groaned. "I am so glad it never got that far. Can you imagine what they would have done to the sofa if they had been climbing over it after getting sopping wet and running through the yard…?"

Jack nodded his head solemnly, "Oh yeah…that would have been a mess. Big, big mess."

I smiled and leaned back against him, my mind running through all of the messes Charlie had managed to make. I loved him dearly and he was a good boy but lord almighty was he ever his father's child. Constantly restless coupled with an imagination that wouldn't quit and a penchant for unique 'solutions' made for some interesting times and unique rules; No moving of the swing set without Mom or Dad's permission had a special place on that list.

After awhile the memories slowed and my mind started wandering elsewhere. Without turning around I spoke to Jack, "What did you do that was frustrating Janet?"

Jack's relaxed frame suddenly stiffened and I could feel his heart speed up in his chest. I grabbed his hand and rubbed his forearm, "It's okay, I was just being nosey. You don't need to tell me."

I felt him nod behind me and his stance marginally relax again but he was still on edge. I pushed forward and turned to look at him, "I've never known you to talk to graves before."

He raised his eyebrows and was quiet for a minute. Then he shrugged, "Never been one to talk to myself."

Almost as soon as the words were out of his mouth he flinched, knowing that his smart-alec response would lead me to ask the next obvious question.

"This is different?"

He sighed, rolled his eyes and sifted his balance; classic Jack O'Neill for 'do we really need to talk about it?'

When I didn't break my gaze he relented, "Sometimes you need to say things aloud to another person and get their reaction to help figure something out. That's hard when you can't talk about the thing you need figured out. Talking to Charlie…it makes me have to break problems down to their most simplistic and it's not difficult for me to imagine what he might say."

I raised my eyebrows in interest, impressed that Jack was at a point where he could actively imagine talking with Charlie. "Do you come talk to him often?"

He shook his head, "Not a lot really. Never before…eh…" He winced, obviously trying to remember something, "oh I guess 6 months ago when I needed to sort some things out and went for a drive and just ended up here without thinking."

I nodded, understanding Jack's simple explanation. It wasn't hard to believe; even when Charlie was alive Jack would talk to him about adult issues in very childlike ways. As far as I knew he never lied to Charlie and never told him something was classified. He just simplified things and kept them vague.

I nodded, "Good Jack. That's good."

We stood at the grave a short while longer. Jack mentioned he should be returning to base but with minimal prodding I managed to goad him into lunch at a nearby diner.

"So…" Jack clasped his hands together as we settled into the booth in the back, "How ya been?"

I smiled back at him in amusement. "Well Jack, I've been really well."

He splayed his hands on the table between us and focused his eyes on his fingers, "Good. Good. After our last…meeting…I wasn't sure …of…you know…" He gesticulated oddly.

I couldn't help but laugh at his awkward articulation.

He sat back, leveling a mock glare at me. "Hey, come on now. You know me. What do you expect? I think I've handled this whole", he waved his hands between the two of us, "thing rather well considering!"

"And by handling it well you mean by not talking to me for a year?"

He rolled his eyes, "Hey, I don't remember being inundated with phone calls from you either!"

I held up my hands "Okay, okay. You're right. I think we both realized some distance was a good thing after last year."

He smiled smugly and nodded his head definitively as if he had just accomplished something. It was my turn to roll my eyes. I was saved from any of his inevitable retorts by the waitress approaching the table.

"Okay," I began once our orders had been placed, "Fine, so starting over then. I assume things are better now with your team?"

He looked at me quizzically.

"Last year you were having a 'rough patch'?" I clarified.

"Ah, yes." He nodded in understanding. "Oh yeah, that simmered down pretty quickly. Things are…" he paused; a sudden overcast look crossed his face. "We've been good." He finished incongruously.

I sighed, wondering how hard I wanted push.

"What?" He asked.

I sifted in my seat before piercing him with a direct look, "It's just you get these looks or you say things sometimes and I know that there is something in there bothering you but I never know how hard I want to push to get you to talk about it. It's a frustrating game that I don't enjoy playing but feel compelled to anyway."

He raised his eyebrows, "You can't blame me for that."

"No, I can't." I admitted, "And I don't. But I can be annoyed when you make me jump through hoops to just talk about whatever I know you want to talk about. So it would be oh so kind of you to cut me a break and just spit it out so I don't have to sit here and play this back and forth with you."

He sat across the booth, face blank, for a long stretch of time. He broke the silence with a heavy sigh, "What do you think it is I want to talk about?"

I sighed, "Something to do with your team; something recent. You started in the present tense, then got this look on your face and amended yourself to end in the past tense. I know you've got one hell of a poker face so when you let little tells like that slip it tells me you want to talk about it."

He sat still, piercing me with an analytical gaze. After about a minute he heaved chest clearing huff and started talking, "It's been a good year…for the most part…with the team I mean… but I'm not so sure that things will remain okay after the past couple of days."

I leaned forward on the table, "Okay…why? What happened?"

Jack pulled his hands back off the table and held them in his lap. He opened his mouth and closed it several times before he finally spoke again, quiet, and not looking up. "I kind of killed Carter."

I wasn't sure how to react to that particular admission. An image of the blond woman hugging Cassie last year flashed through my memory. I said the only thing that I could think of, "Kind of…?"

Jack took a deep breath and glanced around. Satisfied the diner was empty within hearing distance he clarified, "She was compromised. I was in position to take her down and had no choice so I did. She was on life support for a while and then we got lucky. Doc was able to resituate her back to herself last night. She's resting now but she should be fine."

I was confused. I knew enough about the stargate to accept his story without pushing for the details but what I didn't understand was why he was upset. "So that's great! If she's going to be fine what's the problem?"

"So many things." His eyes looked up towards the ceiling as he shook his head.

"Jack…" I warned.

He cut me off, "Sarah, what do you think? I killed her…"

I held up my hand, "And you said yourself that you had no choice. She's military, she'll understand, won't she?"

He ran a hand angrily through his hair, "Maybe." He spat out, "But the betrayal of her trust may be another thing all together for her to 'accept'."

I sat back, confused again, "How did you betray her trust?"

Jack dragged his hands down his face and when he replied it was with an air of resignation, "She had a living will. She never wanted to live off a machine. It's important to her, she made sure that Fraiser knew it, that I knew it and that Hammond knew it. No extraordinary measures. She was dead when I shot her and she should have stayed dead but I wouldn't let Frasier unplug the machines."

I nodded slowly. Not entirely convinced but beginning to understand why Jack could convince himself that he had done something wrong…my ex-husband was a constant martyr. "Jack, don't you think she'll be happy to be alive?"

He nodded, "I don't doubt it. But how can she work with me again if she can't trust me?" He shook his head and returned to studying his fingers.

I knitted my brow, "It wasn't for a terribly long period of time, was it? Given how things turned out I don't see how she could feel like this was a betrayal of trust…"

He rewarded me with silence. I allowed my eyes to track his face as I reflected through the little I knew of his teammates and everything I knew about the inner workings of Jack O'Neill. I thought back through the times I had seen them together and a flicker of a thought rose through my mind and I hazarded a guess, "Jack? Why didn't you let Doctor Frasier unplug the machines?"

Jack slumped back in his seat. "Sarah…Stop it."

Ah, so I had hit close. "No Jack, you stop it."

"Stop what?" He looked around, "I haven't done anything other than answer your questions."

"No Jack." I leaned over the table, "You haven't. You told me a story. My question was what's bothering you. You haven't told me that. I know you want to talk about it. I know it's driving you nuts keeping it all inside. That's why you've been talking to Charlie, isn't it? You want to talk about it and if my suspicions are correct a 10 year old isn't going to be able to give you the advice you're looking for."

Jack let out a long, exasperated sigh. "What am I supposed to say Sarah?"

I reached across the table and rested my hand on his, "Say what you can't say to anyone else. It's okay."

He let out an angry half chuckle, "No, it's really not okay. It's so far from okay."

I squeezed his arm, "Fine, maybe it is. But that doesn't mean anything between us. Let me try and help you. Let's start with this; can you articulate what really bothers you about the whole thing with Major Carter."

"Other than the fact I killed her?" He snapped.

"Jack…" I warned.

He sighed and turned his hand over to grasp mine. "She trusted me to keep it all locked up; to not let it interfere with anything and I blew it."

When he grew quiet I gave his hand a squeeze, urging him to keep talking. With heavy reluctance he continued, "I just couldn't let Frasier unplug the machines and everyone knows why. Even if she is able to get over the whole killing her thing I very much doubt she'll get over me being so freaking selfish and even if by some miracle she does forgive me I still need to change something because it's obvious that I'm not so strong as I thought I was; I can't keep myself in control and someday something is going to happen which will either get someone killed or get someone in big trouble with the Air Force and I cannot allow either of those scenarios."

By the time he finished speaking it was with a level of intensity and urgency that I had not expected.

I let out a long, slow, breath, "Okay Jack. You're going to have to define 'it' for me…"

His response was an angry, pointed look. I swallowed, knowing I was walking on dangerous territory, not just for him but for myself. If anything last year had proved that I was over Jack O'Neill; that does not mean that I was entirely ready to sit here and discuss his feelings for another woman.

"So…" I began again, "She trusted you to keep it locked up and not interfere… have you been engaged in an affair with Samantha?" I bit my lip, trying to hide the unexpected amount of hurt that thought cost me.

Jack shook his head violently, "Sarah, no, of course not! You think I would do something like that? I didn't think you thought that low of me or Carter!" he hissed his words as if he again feared being over heard.

I shrugged in defense of myself, "Well I don't know Jack. I know you take these things seriously but you aren't giving me too many specifics here and I also remember having a conversation about how you wanted to be with someone so sorry if I jump to some pretty obvious conclusions here!"

The tension in his posture deflated and his eyes returned to the table, "Wanting and acting are two different things, Sarah."

I felt my eyebrows climb up my forehead, "So you do…have feelings for her?"

He just nodded without looking up.

I pushed away what I knew was an irrational irritation clawing at my heart, "And she knows."

"Ohhh yeah." Jack breathed out.

That surprised me. I had a hard time imagining a scenario in which Jack would have admitted his feelings to Samantha. "Does she reciprocate?" I asked.

He looked up, a sly smile slid across his features for a moment before his face fell back into its neutral expression, "She used to. It's not exactly something we discuss openly with much frequency."

"So how do you know at all?" I asked.

Jack sighed and in quiet tones began to speak. Over the next ten minutes I heard all about how they realized it when faced with a near death experience and then each had to admit to their deepest secrets in order to pass a fancy lie detector and prevent being locked up indefinitely. He then told me how he had an opportunity to see how she would react if he kissed her and she responded and how when they both had amnesia of some sort that they first remembered their feelings for each other and were able to discuss them openly as they did not recall their Air Force personas.

"I admit; some of my actions over the past few months might, MIGHT be construed as pushing the envelope; Being closer than needed or pushing her buttons about vacation time and stuff… The bottom line is we agreed to not discuss it outside of that room and that it wasn't going anywhere. I blew it."

I breathed slow and deep, not 100% sure of how I wanted to respond to everything I gave myself an extra minute to reflect. Logic was the safest route so I went there, "Obviously your judgment wasn't terribly impaired by your emotions, Jack. I mean you did shoot her after all."

He shrugged, "Oh joy for me." He bit out caustically. He rolled his eyes at my lack of reaction, He continued, "That's not enough. If Hammond were any less understanding my actions in the infirmary would be enough for him to set up an inquiry and she would survive just to see her career be jeopardized by something she had no control over…Oy…" he groaned and dropped his head into his hands.

"Okay, Jack, first of all, I'm glad for you…" He snapped his head up and glared at me as if I had sprung an extra head.

"I mean, as odd as it sounds, and as much as I find it strange to say, I am happy that you have reached a place where you're able to admit feelings for another woman." His look of stunned disbelief did not change; in fact his mouth hung open, completely slack-jawed.

I decided to ignore him and continue my thoughts, "Let's go over this a little logically Jack, first of all what attracts you to Samantha?"

Jack dropped his head again and groaned.

"Jaaack," I wheedled, "Let me see if I can get started? Of course she's a tall, athletic blond…"

He groaned again, "Should I even bother to tell you this is a bad idea?"

I ignored him, "She's also smart…"

"Oh yeah," He nodded without raising his head.

"And kind?"

He nodded again.

"Compassionate?"

He picked his head up and nodded again.

"Has a strong sense of duty and devotion to Country and Air Force?"

"Yeah..." he grumbled.

"And she cares about you?"

Jack groaned again, "I don't know. May be, I guess so, yes? At one point….I mean she is all of those things and hundred shades of everything in between. So what? How does that possibly make this better?"

I held up my hand, "So, considering her intelligence, her compassion, her sense of duty and the fact that she cares about you it seems to me that she is not going to have a problem understanding everything that you did the past few days. From shooting her to being unable to shut off the life support, she's going to understand and forgive all of that. Don't you agree or do you not really believe in all those things that you like so much about her?"

He dropped his hand to the table and stared back at me with a hard look on his face, chewing the inside of his lips.

After what seemed forever he dropped his gaze and nodded, "Okay."

Impressed I forced him into that acknowledgement I hurried on before he resurrected his walls of resistance, "So it seems to me that the only issue you need to figure out is how you're going to handle your own feelings."

"Oy…nothing better than discussing 'feelings' with your ex-wife…" He groaned and again dropped his head to the table.

"Oh come on Jack, you said yourself that you fear you're not as strong as you thought you were, that if you don't figure something new out then the integrity of your team will suffer." I leaned over the table and grabbed his chin, forcing him to look up at me. "Is that not what you said?"

He pulled himself up again, "Yes…" he said with an air of resignation.

"Okay," I smiled. "What are your options?"

"Sarah, I swear to god this is the most awkward conversation I've had with anyone." He shook his head.

"Oh I don't know about that O'Neill…I seem to recall some pretty interesting conversations between you and my father." I smirked as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"Gee, thanks for the reminder."

"So?" I asked pointedly.

"What?" He looked at me blankly.

"Options, Jack! Think like a tactician. You must have options? Gawd how the heck did you get so many ribbons on your chest if you're so slow to figure out how to get out of tough situations." I tried to put on my toughest military bravado.

Jack's face was aghast, "Are you mocking me?"

I worked to keep a straight face, "May be. But it seems to me you deserve it as you're being driven nuts by the same problems that occupy 15 year old girls. So, let me ask you more directly; Do you want to act like the full bird Colonel that you are and come up with a solution …or…are you a 15 year old girl?"

Jack shook his head , incredulous. "Wow. Wow. Okay, fine."

I sat back and crossed my arms across my chest. "Okay then, what are you going to do about it?"

He glared at me but I didn't allow myself to break, finally he took a deep breath and his face reflected that he was thinking, "Okay. Fine, Two possible courses of action, indulge in these feelings or don't."

I nodded, encouraging him.

He continued, a thoughtful look in his eyes "To indulge would be to tell her I don't want to keep it in the room opening two possible outcomes; she either agrees or disagrees, If she agrees then we need to decide how to proceed; the only options being one or both of us quits or we sneak around. Sneaking is not an option so that leaves quitting. The Air Force seriously needs her so the only option is for me to quit…"

I looked at Jack patiently, "Would you be willing to do that?"

He looked somewhere behind me, unfocused, thinking for a moment, "I don't know." He frowned and disappeared into his own thoughts for a while. When he spoke again he had jumped forward, "So then there is the possibility that she disagrees when I approach her. The end result of that being I've made an awkward situation worse and I need to seriously look at reassignment. Which brings us back to the original option number 2, not to indulge in these feelings to begin with which means developing some distance between the two of us and some serious self discipline."

He interlaced his fingers and rolled his neck.

"So?" I leaned forward, "What's that all shake down to?"

He sighed a deep, sad sigh, "End game is forcing more distance between us, distance happening regardless when I screw it all up and SG1 gets dismantled and rumors run rampant or I retire which I'm not entirely sure I want to do."

I nodded my head slowly. When he didn't elaborate I offered, "Doesn't sound like a group of happy options."

He shook his head slowly. "They aren't. But I think the answer is pretty clear."

I cocked my head, awaiting his resolution. "The only course of action that I know the end result is the 'do not indulge' route."

I knew he was right but it pained me to hear the resignation in his voice. Then, as if a shutter was being drawn, I watched as Colonel O'Neill took over Jack. His eyes closed and he sat straighter in the booth. I could read the resolution settling across his features a clearly as if he held up a sign stating his intentions.

It amazed me how he could be two different people so readily. "So that's it? You're just going to stop being attracted to her?"

He sighed, "No, not 'just'. It won't be easy but it can be done."

I shook my head slightly, "Oh really? Don't forget Jack, I know you. You may be able to convince others but I know your emotions run deep. How exactly do you plan on just squashing something like this?"

When he looked at me next, eyes hard and features of stone I knew for the first time what a frightening man Jack O'Neill could be. In a heavy and deadly serious tone he revealed, "A series of choices."

I resisted the urge to swallow but I knew the intimidation I felt must have been written all over my face because in an instant his face melted and a sheepish smile crept upon his lips. "I mean, like this; how about we spend the rest of the day at the zoo and see if that monkey Charlie loved is still there."

Now I was confused, "I thought you had to be back at the base this afternoon?"

He nodded his head, "I wanted to be there when Carter woke back up again…" He paused as if he were reconsidering his decision, "But I think spending the day away is a better plan in the long run."

He must have sensed my hesitation because he continued to push, "Come on, we originally wanted to spend these days together to remember Charlie, so it wouldn't be so hard. Let's go to the zoo and see what other fond memories we can dredge up. We can even go pick up your Dad if you'd like."

I nodded my agreement and in the end it was a wonderful afternoon. He was right we spent the day fondly remembering Charlie and all that was his life. For me it was a big step in my ongoing healing process but I could help feel the pang of sadness whenever Jack would get lost in thought or unconsciously looked at his phone.

I didn't disagree with him but that didn't make it easier to watch him deal himself another significant loss in his life. Even though he may not have agreed but of anyone I knew, Jack deserved happiness; something that the universe seemed content to deny him. Giving up Samantha Carter was just another in a long line of unhappy chapters in the story of Jack O'Neill.


End file.
